Written by Court Jester
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Monday, 16 May 2011

image for Avram Grant Gets His Hammers In A Twist
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Avram Grant was last night embroiled in a legal battle the likes of which this country has never seen.

After West Ham's owner's David Short-And-Stubby and David Albino-Malnourished-Lion-Face made clear to Grant that his tenure had come to an end, there were further stool samples to be added to this particular storm.

An internet news site said that Grant should never be hired again, in any capacity, at any company in the world; unless he can disprove allegations that he is the most placid person on the face of this planet.

The as of yet unnamed website went on to say their own detailed research had provided damning evidence that Grant's genetic code is comprised of 95% Phenobarbital. This is a widely available sedative in the pharmaceutical industry and is most commonly used to 'act as a central nervous system depressant,' so says scientific bible Wikipedia.

The news website released video footage of Avram Grant being defeated in an arm wrestle by a prepubescent sloth that weighed not much more than a contact lens and had already taken a vicious beating from a harpy eagle.

The website's owners' suggest this is clear indication that Grant lacks the will to fight on any level due to his chemical composition, hence is unfit to be employed.

The sloth, nicknamed 'Kevin' by the media, is now a serious contender for the vacant managerial post at West Ham.

Grant's legal team have launched an immediate case against the website's owners claiming slander, defamation of character and future loss of earnings. Mr David Aaronsohn who heads the legal team refuted the recent assertions against his client and said there was more than sufficient evidence to portray the real Avram Grant as a fun loving and enthusiastic man who enjoyed his work. In an attempt to show he is not a sterile, apathetic and indifferent clone of the underworld Grant has enrolled in an adult learning course: "How To Make Your Own Shoe Polish At Home."

West Ham fans at least now have an explanation for the number of times their former manager has looked down at the ground during matches this season. The question remains whether he has resigned Hammers fans to resort to looking down the football league for years to come?

The case will be heard at the Royal Courts of Justice later this summer, assuming Avram Grant can muster the energy to turn up and defend himself.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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