Written by Cornelius P Lynch
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Sunday, 15 May 2011

image for Premier League Star Takes Out Super Injunction Following Missed Penalty
We can't even tell you who got sent off

A Premier League footballer, said to be a household name, has taken out a super injunction following a missed penalty. The star feared that if it was reported it might harm his chances of securing a new lucrative contract.

Super injunctions have become the latest 'must have' for top footballers, although the stories normally involve sex. The player in question is said to have phoned his agent at half time in order to set the wheels in motion. The new football court, which sits on a Saturday at 5pm, put the super injunction in place.

This particular super injunction may open the flood gates. Goalkeepers are now finding lawyers' business cards in the back of the net. In cricket, batsmen dismissed first ball are likely to be met on their way back to the pavilion. Sports reporting will become heavily censored.

Super injunctions have been defended by Hugh Grant. "Honestly, you don't know who you will find hiding in the bushes. Apart from a prostitute, that is. The right to a private life is so important. Especially for those who choose to live in the public eye.

Social networking sites are constantly revealing the identities of the stars who have applied for super injunctions. The Government is said to be monitoring the situation. The legal system appears to be protecting those who can afford to pay for an expensive lawyer. We wanted to speak to an expensive lawyer, but couldn't afford to. Instead we asked Kenneth Clarke, Justice Secretary, what he thought about the situation. "I'm afraid I really don't know anything about football. Or law, for that matter. However, I can assure you that something will be done by somebody."

FIFA have responded by creating an extra official for football matches. Joining the referee, the assistant referees, the fourth official and the reserve official will now be the lawyer. They will be responsible for covering up anything that could cause financial harm to any player.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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