DALLAS - The once proud Los Angeles Lakers are no more. Their coach Phil Jackson has retired and will head up to Montana where rumor has it he will spend his time counting sheep, branding sheep, and hitting sheep, since he won't have Pau Gasol around to hit in the chest.
Jackson most certainly needs to retire since he has lost total control of his team. Gay singer Clay Aiken probably could have done a better job of coaching the "Fakers" during their playoff series with the Dallas Mavericks than King Phil The Fist did.
"Lurch" Jackson, as the number one Laker fan Jack "Looney Tunes" Nicholson calls him, was handed a 122-86 drubbing by the team owned by billionaire Mark Cuban.
And the score would have actually been much worse but Mavericks Coach Rick Carlisle, who looks like he could be Jim Carrey's twin, took out all of his starters during the third quarter and replaced them with three of his assistant coaches, one of the arena mop boys, and one of the Mavericks cheerleaders, Capri "The Rack" Gigglestock, 21.
Dallas players Dirk Nowitski, Jason Terry, and J.J. Barea played with the intensity of the classy players that they are. El Lay players (or to be politically correct the El Lay Cheap Shot Artists) played with the intensity of out-of-control street thugs who were getting their butts beaten in every possible way and resorted to violence.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: The only things missing were the red bandannas and a couple of knives.]
Even one of the greatest NBA players to ever put on a Lakers uniform Magic Johnson said that the Lakers did not look like a basketball team. He added that the pitifully pathetic way that the Left Coast team played they could have just as easily mailed it in.
Johnson stated that he is going to see about having everyone, who attended the game expecting to see the Los Angeles Lakers, refunded the money they paid for their tickets.
The NBA will no doubt fine and suspend both Lamar "Crybaby" Odom and Andrew "Mr. Chicken Wing" Bynum. Odom for giving Dirk Nowitski a hard blind side hit and Bynum for throwing a hard elbow into the ribs of the airborne J.J. Barea.
Atwood "Overtime" McSparrow of Sports Territory Magazine says that Lamar Odom, aka Mr. Khloe Kardashian, should be fined $100,000 and suspended for 10 games (at the start of next season).
He then said that as for Andrew "Shirtless" Bynum he should be fined $1 million and suspended for three years.
When a spokesperson for the Los Angeles Lakers was asked to comment on the wild animal behavior of both Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum, he quickly replied that both players have been traded to the Cleveland Cavaliers who finished the 2010-2011 season at (19-63).
The spokespeson was quick to say that any questions regarding the "Bopsy Boys" can now be addressed to the Cleveland Cavaliers organization.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Sports Territory Magazine reported that Odom and Bynum were traded to the Cleveland Cavaliers in exchange for 5 foot 1 inch Korean player Ping Ching Wah Jr., a future 18th round draft choice, a 2011 Ford Fiesta Hatchback, two iPads, and $14 cash.]