Man United souperstar, Wayne Rooney, has been kidnapped. It seems that after the Man United whitewash against the hopeless Krauts called Schalke 04, Wayne Rooney was kidnapped on the doorstep of his luxury mansion in full "Monty" after fulfilling his maritial obligations with Coleen and not a luxury whore?
Wayne, driving home in his Ferrari after the "Deutsche" debacle, was last seen being pursued by a strange looking London Cab filled with Russian speaking kidnappers.
After entering his mansion and ripping off his clothes because he'd already text messaged Coleen to be prepared and put the baby to bed; the London cab pulled up and rang the bell. Wayne, gasping for breath and his trousers around his ankles opened the door and was promptly kidnapped.
Coleen testified to the police stating they smelled of vodka and rushed off southwards.
A message was issued later by the Chelsea Fanzine, "Blue forever as long as Abramovich pays the bills" in perfect Russian:
"We have Rooney, he's safe, Abramovich has nothing to do with this kidnap, he just gave us $10000 each, he will be released after Sunday's clash of the giants and Chelsea must win!"
No ransom has been asked and Abramovich has distanced himself from any involvement in the kidnap apart from supplying the vodka and offering the referee another $10000.