Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Snooker

Sunday, 1 May 2011

image for Ted Lowe Obituary
The pink ... has ever-so-sensuously ... brushed the ... cheek of that ... top red

There was a hush all around the Crucible before the Embassy World Snooker Championships Final this evening when it was announced that 90-year-old veteran commentator Ted Lowe had snuffed it.

Lowe, who had been the BBC commentator at all major snooker events since he was just 16 years old, was known throughout every household in Britain by the nickname of Whispering Ted, which he earned through his distinctive sexy whisper.

In reality, however, Lowe's voice was much different.

Tonight, snooker legends past and present spoke out to pay tribute to the man most players knew as Big-Mouthed Ted.

Snooker legend Steve Davis said:

"Behind the scenes, he was always shouting. He was a real pain in the bottom sometimes!"

Co-commentator and deadpan comic, John Virgo, agreed, saying:

"Big mouth. Did nothing but bawl at the top of his stupid voice. I was sick to death of him by the time he retired. I wish he'd gone sooner!"

Others also commented on Lowe's perpetual struggle to control his loud voice. John Parrotfashion spoke gravely as he said:

"Ted was Mr Snooker, but he fought an endless battle to keep his voice down. This became his most endearing trait, and why all the housewives creamed their knickers when he was commentating!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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