The 2014 Winter Olympics, to be held in Sochatlysincsinofioenfr, Russia will see a number of new rules and regulations going into effect.
The Olympic Committee has issued a statement saying that they have wisely given up fighting against the reality that "99% of all male figure skaters and ice dancers are gay and therefore will now be allowed to wear whatever they want to, including skimpy red thongs, blinged out skates, crotch hugging tights, and loads of lavender with long flowing diaphanous black scarves trailing behind them. " After decades of trying to stop the shiny theatrical gay ice skater outfits, the Committee said, "we simply got tired of listening to their hissy fits. To hell with it, let 'em wear ostrich feathers out their ass for all we care."
Another new rule: tiny female gymnasts from the Czech Republic will no longer be permitted to wear gigantic hair bows that are larger than their entire bodies. Not only do the giant bows destroy their center of gravity, causing them to fall off the balance beam, they also look uber creepy, especially when their weirdo Soviet bloc male coach is staring at them way too much from the sidelines.
Young female gymnasts will also be prohibited from wearing ugly little plastic berettes to clamp their hair back during routines. Creepy stupid pony tails have also been banned. Can't these girls look their age? Perhaps over seven years old?
Responding to the new rules, top female gymnast and reigning champion Olga Slutsenskopya, age three, said, "I vanted very much to wear my hair thingies but if they say no, then I won't. I am good girl, I behave. I want to win for my country, Czech Republic, nation of champions, so no hair thingies for me. Thank you."