Written by mikewadestr
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Saturday, 30 April 2011

In an unprecedented medical miracle, minor league baseball pitcher, Johnny Mack, was given an arm transplant after a tragic accident that left him without his pitching arm.

It turns out that the Charlotte, NC double AA minor league team, The Deadbeat Red Squirrels, was having a samurai sword giveaway night, when the accident occurred.

Actually it was 'Get a Picture of Sally the Ticket Taker' night, but the first one thousand fans not only got a picture of Sally, which they either threw away or drew horns on Sally as well as a moustache and beard and then hung it around the stadium for a good laugh or two, but they, also, got a real samurai sword.

Apparently, the team's fourth starting pitcher had his pitching arm cut off. This happened when a grounds keeper, named Josey Limey, who was joyously swinging around his newly acquired samurai sword, which he stole from his son who had attended the game, when he accidentally cut off the arm of pitching prospect, Johnny Mack, who happened to be walking by him.

Unfortunately, for the southpaw, just when his arm was cut off, another grounds keeper happened to be running the lime machine, which is used to mark the baselines, where Johnny was standing, and, needless to say, Johnny's arm got sucked into the lime machine. The damage to the arm was beyond repairable.

But, fortunately, the lime machine wasn't damaged at all. It just needed to be cleaned.

Luck should have it, for Johnny at least, that at the very same instance, a gorilla at the Charlotte zoo happened to meet his death in a very strange happenstance. What transpired at the zoo, as incredulous as it may sound, was that two gorillas, named Peachy and Cheeky, were playing a game that they saw on TV. It was a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

While Peachy was not looking, Cheeky pushed a loose boulder on top of Peachy crushing all of his body, except for his outstretched left arm.

A world renowned surgeon, Dr. Fusa-A-Bone, happened to be in his hotel room in Charlotte watching the news and heard about both tragedies. He immediately took action and had the gorilla's arm sent to the hospital where Johnny Mack had been taken and managed to successfully attach it to Johnny Mack.

"This is amazing", said Deadbeat Red Squirrels manager Donny Lost. "This Fusathingy guy comes and puts a gorillas arm on Johnny, and damn the devil, Johnny is ready to start the next day".

"I mean, I just could not believe it! We had Johnny take some pitches on the side to ensure that he was okay… and man we could not believe the results. The guy had a fast ball that topped out at just over 150 miles an hour. This was absolutely phenomenal! That is, except for the two catchers who caught those pitches at 150 mph.. Hell, one ended up in the stands and is now in a coma and the other ended up dead when the ball went through his mitt and killed him".

"But that is not important. What is important is that we have, right here, the best pitcher that baseball has ever seen.

While the Deadbeat Red Squirrels and Johnny Mack were celebrating their amazing turn of luck, little be known to them was that the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has filed an animal cruelty suit against Johnny Mack and the Deadbeat Red Squirrels for abusing a dead gorilla's arm.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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