Satan, CEO of Hell, Hades and the Los Angeles Dodgers, joined attorney Gloria Allred during one of her hourly press conferences to announce that he has reached terms with Boston Patriots' QB Tom Brady, guaranteeing him his place in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, and his wonderful, wonderful hair.
"We, the influential Lucifer, the young Satan, Beelzebub, Leviathan, Elimi, and Astaroth, together with others, have today accepted the covenant pact of Tom Brady, who is ours, reads the document. "And him do we promise the love of women, the flower of virgins, the respect of coaches, beatwriters and Sports Center hosts, honors, lusts and powers."
He will go whoring three years long; the carousal will be dear to him," it continues. "He offers us a seal of blood, under the feet he will trample the holy things of the church. With this pact he will live in the NFL ten years happy, and will later join us to sin against God. Bound in hell, in the council of demons."
"It's a Hell of a deal," Satan quipped. "Get it? 'Hell of a deal'? Is this thing on?"
Further, Allred announced that the contract supercedes one Brady signed in 2000, after a disasterous showing at the NFL Combine, which explains his results, considering he is talentless.
"God, did he suck," said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who used Satan's 'Fire and Brimstone Diet' to lose 120 pounds. And his soul. " Too frail, decent enough arm, but nothing special, not at all mobile, a 40-yard dash time of 5.74 seconds. He HAS to be getting help from someone."
"I rated a LOT of QBs higher than Brady," said NFL Draft douchebag Mel Kiper. "Chad Pennington, Chris Redman of Louisville, Tee Martin of Tennessee, even Giovanni Carmazzi of Hofstra.
(Editor's note: Giovanni Carmazzi?)
The late Joel Buchsbaum of Pro Football Weekly, a respected figure in the scouting community, placed Brady at No. 16 among the quarterbacks coming out in 2000.
Many other experts weighed in:
"Poor build. Very skinny and narrow. Ended the 1999 season weighing 195 and still looks like a rail at 211," said Jesus Christ, the Alpha and Omega. "Is frail and lacks great physical stature and strength. Lacks a really strong arm. I should know. My Father created him."
Now that Tom Brady is 148-0, you can't walk past a TV without hearing about him. He's a "winner" and "the best quarterback to play the game." But what has Tom really done? Sure 5,490 TDs looks pretty impressive, but how much of that is Brady?
"It's his receivers, the scheme he plays in, and help from the Prince of Darkness," says former NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle, via Ouija board. "Let's put him on the Dolphins and see what he can do."
"But, you know, f--k 'em, that's OK, because, soon enough, he will be spending eternity in Hell; fire and brimstone and burning wind will be the portion of their cup. Fire will devour him. For behold, the LORD will come in fire And His chariots like the whirlwind, To render His anger with fury, And His rebuke with flames of fire," continued Jesus Christ. "Dick."