Brandon Marshall, a wide receiver for the NFL's Miami Dolphins, is resting comfortably in an area hospital after being stabbed by his wife, say cops in whatever-the-hell city they live in.
"Mr. Marshall is recovering from several stab wounds in this facility," Said County Medical Center director Dr. JohnSmith Generic. "His condition is listed as 'all bleedy and junk'."
Police say that Marshall's wife, 27-year-old Stabbie McFuknut, has given multiple accounts of what transpired.
"Look, this is what had happened," McFuknut is heard to say on police surveillance cameras. "Brandon had a spider walking up his stomach, so I tried to kill it. With a paring knife."
"I don't know what to believe," said police. "First she said a knife fell from the sky, then she said O.J. did it. I'm not sure about the first one, but the second is pretty hard to believe."
Yesterday, however, police have announced that there was a webcam filming during the alleged belly-removal attack.
"We've yet to see the video, but we have heard the audio," said police, before playing the tape:
"Didn't I *stab* tell you *stab* to stop *slice, stab* breaking off *stab* your *stab* routes *stab* early?! *stab* *stab, bleed*"