Written by Skoob1999
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Sunday, 24 April 2011

image for Rangers Maul Celtic 0-0 To Close In On Runner-Up Spot
A Rangers Fan Pictured At Full Time As He Contemplates Sending Another Nail Bomb.

Brotherly love was a commodity in distinctly short supply at Ibrox today, as Rangers hosted arch rivals Celtic in a typical Auld Firm blood and thunder, no quarter given or expected, encounter. The final meeting of the Glasgow giants this season.

Right from the kick off, the pace was fast and furious - as is the norm in this fixture - with neither side obviously willing to settle for a draw.

The Celtic contingent elected in the first half to air their support for potential bomb victim, manager Neil Lennon, by singing "There's Only One Neil Lennon!" to the tune of 'Juan Tana Mera.'

The Rangers hoardes responded by singing: "Neil Lennon - you're a wanker, you're wanker!" to the tune of 'Hallelujah!'

This during a break in the hurly burly of a game neither team were keen on losing. During which Celtic's Samaras was lucky to only receive a yellow card for pushing Gers David Weir on his arse in the Rangers box, in what he implied was a retaliatory gesture.

Most in the stadium thought it warranted a straight red. Which is only to be expected. Half time saw honours even at 0-0, as the teams left the field to get medical treatment for their wounds, and psyche themselves up for the second half.

More blood and thunder.

Majstorovic almost broke the deadlock on 54 minutes with a near post header, but was thwarted by Rangers keeper Alan McGregor.

Kayal was booked on the hour, conceding a free kick 25 yards out, but Lafferty could only lash it wide for Rangers. Naismith came close on 64 minutes but flashed his shot narrowly wide, as a goal looked imminent. Where that goal would come from remained a mystery at that point.

A minute later and with the ball up the other end, it was Celtic's turn to apply pressure. But Rangers held out, leaving us with a tense final 20 minutes of bagatelle football.

On 77 minutes Samaras blasted a shot high and wide for Celtic with Stokes in acres of space to his left and looking odds on to score.

But that didn't happen.

On 80, Anthony Stokes ran into Steve Davis in the Rangers box.


McGregor saved, diving low to his left to set up a grandstand finale.

Enter Britain's most 'popular' footballer, El Hadj Diouf, as Rangers sub, looking a right numpty with a porno Brazilian wax hairdo - on his head. Dyed blonde to boot. Twat.

With Rangers pressing, the full time whistle went. Making it almost an odds-on certainty that the SPL trophy will be destined once again for Parkhead.

Which can't be a bad thing.

Rangers eh? Nobody loves them. Nobody cares.

More unbiased match reports when we can be arsed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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