Emirates Stadium - New non-chafe shorts will have to be worn for a while, the Gunners midfielder told worried team mates today.
Russian-born Arse-shavin has struggled to hold down the North London club's official kit which may have 'rubbed him up the wrong way'.
According to specialist trichologists at Demi's Depilatory Salon on Holloway Road, London N7, Arse-shavin may have folly-culitis - or razor-bumps - on skin close to his tailbone.
Treatment involves half a gallon of melted wax, surgical strips and a full-body protective suit for the depilation practitioner - in case of reflex-associated rectal sprays.
"Of course it could be keratosis pilaris," the salon's diminutive madam Tracey Whorsepond said today, "in which case we'll be using wholly macrobiotic, biodegradeable, organic Dodgy Originals beeswax from Prince Charles' Go-Brazilian! range."
Arsenal team mates will be the first to view the results online when the club's website administrator slopes off for a well-deserved 11-day break.
Arsene Wenger is 69.