Austin -- Seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong was today bitten by a German shepard dog sporting fake testicles, sold commercially as "Neuticals." Armstrong's injuries were not serious, although psychiatrists have warned that traumatic stress syndrome might affect a one-baller bitten by a no-baller pretending to be a two-baller. The biting incident occured on the Highway 360 loop around Austin, where Armstrong was riding in a paceline with the Austin Wheel Club. We offer here the transcript of an interview with "Max," the German Shepard who bloodied Armstrong's leg.
Why did you bite Lance Armstrong?
I wanted to show other dogs that being neutered doesn't mean your biting days are over. Just as Lance has become an inspiration to cancer patients, I wanted to motivate and inspire the millions of neutered mutts out there, many of whom just sit at home licking themselves all day wondering "Where did they go?"
How did you pick Lance out of a pack of over 20 cyclists.
Two ways. One, is he was wearing a yellow jersey. Two, he was the only one that smelled like Sheryl Crowe's crotch. I smelled her at a concert once, you know.
Have you had all your shots.
Oh hell yes. But that didn't prevent them from locking me up for two weeks to see if I have rabies. It's always like this when you bite someone famous. Sometimes I slobber and make foam by chewing my saliva just to make them nervous.
Aren't you worried about getting put down?
Put down? Are you kidding? I'm the most famous mutt in Texas. I'm the dog that bit Lance Armstrong. Breeders have already offered $10,000 just to let me service their bitches, so they can say, "He's the son-of-the son-of-a-____" that bit Armstrong! I'm getting put out to stud. That's like dog heaven!
What do you think about your "Neuticals," or fake testicles.
They're great. You and I know they're fake, but other dogs don't. They hang and bounce just like the real things.
So, you're getting put out to stud, even though you're sterile?
Shhhh! The bitches will never know. They'll just keep inviting me to "try again!"
Any advice for Lance?
Well, one of the Rottweiler or St. Bernard "Neuticals" might fit him. It might be an improvement to being only half the man he used to be. I guess you'd have to ask Sheryl. Maybe she prefers not getting her butt slapped so hard. I mean, wow, with all the testosterone that guy's got, he's got to have huevo's, I mean a huevo, like a bowling ball.
Where do you go from here? Well, after they let me out of the pound, I'm going to start selling yellow collars that say "Bite Hard!" to raise money for lower income dogs who can't afford a pair of Neuticals.