Famed juiced-up Philadelphia Phillies outfielder -- who is as bad at running his day-to-day life as he was hitting left-handed pitchers who sent the off-speed stuff toward the inside of the plate-- has been arrested on various Grand Theft and Grand Theft Auto for stealing his own sh-t, from his own house.
"Lenny Dykstra was arrested at his home last night for embezzling more than $400k from his own house," said LAPD detectives. "He attempted to conceal his identity by wearing what is known as 'Groucho Glasses.' Since the guy is built like midget-Lurch, this attempt was unsuccessful."
...rent The Jerk (1979). It's f--king hysterical.
Police say that Dykstra, who filed for bankruptcy in 2009, stole and destroyed more than $400,000 worth of his own sh-t, to ensure that creditors would not get their hands on it.
"Since a debtor's property is essentially held in escrow during a bankruptcy, Dykstra would not legally be allowed to dispose of any property that is part of the bankruptcy estate," said bloated legal expert Anthony Rosania, who is getting fatter by the day. "Only a Judge can release property that is to pay off debts to creditors. Did he really use Groucho Glasses? A--hole."
According to the criminal complaint, Dykstra loaded up his 1990 Ferrari with a sh-tload of expensive items and sold them to a pawnshop. Then, dumbass sold some stuff on eBay and Craigslist.
Dykstra spoke out about access to his personal belongings, and states that he only took from his house the things he absolutely needed.
" And that's the only thing I need is this ashtray. I don't need this or this," said Dykstra. "Just this ashtray. And this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all I need. I don't need one other thing, not one. I... I need this. The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need."
Dykstra's wrists are no stranger to the inside of handcuffs. In 1991, Dykstra decimated the Phillies' 3rd and 4th batting spots when he drunkenly drove his Mercedes into a tree in Radnor Township, PA, suffering broken ribs, a broken collarbone, broken facial bones and second degree burns on his left arm and lower back. Catcher Darren "Dutch" Daulton, a passenger, suffered an injured eye and a broken facial bone. According to Radnor Township Police, Dykstra's blood alcohol system had 0.179 percent blood at the time of the crash.
Dykstra faces five years in jail for being a flaming idiot.