Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 16 April 2011

image for Hull Man Volleys Cat
The cat's owner, Mrs Gamontip, going around to Kenwood's gaffe to challenge him about the incident

Cat-hater Mary Bale has a rival!

That's the astonishing verdict after an Englishman living in the Thai capital of Bangkok had reported to his friend an incident in which he was involved on his way to work this morning, when a cat crossed his path almost causing him to trip.

Moys Kenwood, 47, readjusted his balance, launched an almighty kick at the moggy's underside, and crashed a volley into what, on any football ground in England, would have been the top right-hand corner of the net.

The cat screeched, but, amazingly, there was no whistle, and the goal was allowed to stand. Kenwood reeled away in delight, acknowledging the applause from fans, only stopping when he realised there was no applause, just shock and horror on the faces of dozens of local residents.

Said Kenwood:

"I've always fancied doing that. The cat came to me just right, and sat up perfectly for the volley. I focussed all my recent pent-up anger and rage into the shot, and unleashed an absolute thunderbolt that no goalkeeper in England could have kept out!"

A friend of Kenwood, Mr Wayne Bryan, told us:

"What he did here was despicable. Mind you, he's a despicable kind of guy. His actions certainly come close to what that Bale bitch did, even though, in his case, it was a spontaneous act."

Back in England, Mary Bale was unimpressed. The lady who is now a social outcast after stuffing a cat into a wheelie bin in Coventry last year, said:

"This was nothing. It was an impulsive strike, not a pre-meditated act, like mine."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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