Written by Neil Levine
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Topics: New York, Yankees

Sunday, 2 October 2005

image for Yankees Manager Joe Torre Has A Plan
Pack Up All Your Cares And Woes--Here We Go Swinging Low

Yankee Stadium, The Bronx---New York Yankee Manager Joe Torre has announced the official slogan for his team for their upcoming playoff and championship games as "Kno more blaughck head plays."


He also wants his players to think of winning games by "all means necessary" to quote star Gary Sheffield.


"I think it will help the guys keep their heads up, pay attention and make good plays. That's what we need. Good plays and then some more good plays along with good hitting and pitching until we win the game. I hope that is what we will do. At least for nine innings, or more in a no win situation."


"Remember if we score more runs than they do and win more games, then we will be in first place and they will come in second making us champs for the two thousand and five season or until at least spring training, if not opening day, whichever comes first."


"Players who do well in the post season can look forward to a vaudeville career after the season. In the past, lots of players have trod the boards and tripped the light fantastic to the delight of fans everywhere. Babe Ruth even made movies after he lost his fast ball and began to complain about a lack of playing time."


"Can you imagine him singing ‘Take me out to the ball game.'"


The team is quiet.


"Some of the old champion Dodgers toured with a song and dance act," Joe continues. "Maybe we can warm up now. Any of you guys know ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game?'" Torre says looking at Bernie Williams.


Bernie, "I play classical guitar."


Joe skips over this unexpected answer and continues, "Now is the time for all good players to come to the aid of their team. Maybe somebody here can Rumba In The Bronx?"


The team is still quiet.


"How about ‘We Are The Champions?'"


No reply.


"All right. Take the day off. Go to a movie or watch tv or listen to music or something."


"What's playing?" asks a relaxed Al Leiter.


"‘The Greatest Game Ever Played' or ‘In Her Shoes' or ‘Waiting,' answers the bat boy scanning the listings. ‘Desperate Housewives,' and 'Reality Series' are on tv," he continues.


Joe concludes, "At least think of your playoff bonus and series share and a solid Championship ring that you can hide in your jewelry collection or wear proudly during the off season."


Derek Jeter closes the meeting by complimenting Joe and Pitching Coach Mel Stottlemyre, "Good game coach."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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