Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 6 April 2011

image for Fedorov Forgives Red Wing Fans, Seeks Return for 2011-12 Season
Fedorov, at the bottom of a hockey scrum. Fighting skills? That's a negative, ghostrider.

Riding his best personal milestone with the game winning goal in the 2009 Stanley Cup Playoffs, Sergei Federov left the Washington Caps and took a $9 Million a year deal back in Russia. Now with his 2-year deal at an end, Fedorov seeks a return to his roots with the Detroit Red Wings in 2011-2012.

Hoping that the bad blood between himself and Wings fans is long forgotten, Federov's US agent, Manny Satool spoke of the original separation back in 2002. "Sergie was just looking out for himself and his family, and a few golden sheckles in the process of course". Satool elaborated on the spicy marriage to former tennis hottie, Anna Kournikova and how that likely influenced the contract negotiations with the Wings, and his decision to leave for more money.

"It was always about the money", says long time Red Wing fan and trademark holder for the "Fedorov Blows" tee shirt, Pauli Jurewicz. "That spicy little Russian tennis beehotch couldn't win anything herself and needed Sergei's fat wallet to live on. Too bad she only stuck around with him another year after they moved. Heh, heh."

Not that people normally consider Detroit as a benchmark for culture and high society anyway, but fans treat Wing's players like royalty in that town, provided you adopt a team oriented perspective and a blue collar work ethic. "Sergei was always all about Sergei. Nobody cried when he left town", says Jurewicz. "Except for that tennis pro shop who sold Anna all her perky little outfits".

While Satool is apparently keeping the press corps guessing as to any on-going negotiations, Red Wings management remains mute, offering only a sh*t eating grin and a "No Comment" in return. Locker room insiders say that Fedorov would be about as welcome as a fart in church, and that the only chemistry he could bring to the team is the kind that creates "noxious, sulfur based, permeable gas".

"Fedorov forgives Wings fans? Sure. Thanks. Now, fork off", says Jurewicz.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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