LONDON - At a recent football match, Rooney did something that everybody else does on a daily basis.
After Manchester United lost again West Ham - a town not at all famous for pig-constructed food articles - Wayne Rooney, a striker, was caught saying a rude word on air.
Media analysts, fans, and general people who like being angry at things.
A social psychologist stalked to our reporter.
"Well," he said, "its rather interesting. I'd understand if he took a dump or pissed on someone, but seriously. He swore. Get over it. These are the same people who attempted to metaphorically murder Brown [former Prime Minister of the UK] during the last election because he called someone a 'bigot'. Boo hoo. I know he's shit at playing for England, but he's still a human - albeit one with a Shrek-like face, and a dustball for a brain."
Many people have claimed he's young and... what? He's 25? And he swore at a Sky Sports camera?
Oh. I've changed my opinion.
Wayne Rooney, total douchebag and loser, who can't literally play for England, swore today at a game - during a live audience.
It's pretty stupid. This reporter barely swears in public, let alone on national television.
Conclusive evidence by Inhopeless Research Institute has found out that Rooney was smoking some weird-ass shit to swear because he was 'angry'.
Man alive! Angry?! At what? Crippling debt? Rising tuition fees? A restrictive job market? Does he feel rage towards a bumbling electoral system? Some of us want to punch something because of all the negative stuff we feel, Rooney, and you swear because you lost a fucking match?
New information has found that Rooney will pay a fine and have to be suspended for two matches because of his behaiviour. He also is the first Barclays Premier Leauge player to swear in a long time. Wow. Rooney, did L. Frank Baum [author of the Wizard of Oz] go forward in time and base the scarecrow on you?
As of press time, Rooney was being publicly humiliated.