The player's union of major league baseball agreed in principle that stiffer penalties are needed for first time, second time, and subsequent positive steroid testing in the major leages. While the commissioner had recommended a 50 mday suspension without pay for first offenses, 100 days for second offenses, and a lifetime ban for a third positive test, the players feel this is too strict.
Jughead Smith, reserve second baseman and team union representative from baseballs newest franchise, the Albuquerque Coyotes, issued this statement: "We think that the owners have got a good idea in stopping the juiced players, but we think that they are being a little too rough. We sorta, kinda wanted it to go a little easier. We think that the first time you fail the pee test, you oughta get a second chance to pee. Maybe the nerves of having to pee in a cup in front of some stranger, who could be eyeing your privates for all you know, messes up your urine or something and makes you give a false positive."
"Then, if you fail the second test, maybe they oughta do somethin' cuz your no longer as scared about whippin' it out in front of the guy, so maybe this test is more accurate. But, what if the guy at the lab mixes up your test with the aids test for one of Michael Jackson's boys or the Britney Spears pregnancy test or Monica Lewinsky's pap smear? You could get another wierd result, and you wouldn't want to stiff someone of two months salary just because the guy at the hospital can't keep his pee straight!"
"If they have to test you a third time, they oughta do it where they can test it on the spot so it can't get mixed up with no one else's samples or nothing. They can set up a room in the ball park that is special just for this and try to do it there. If it comes out positive, then you got a real problem; you probably got ta check and see how clean the stadium is. You've seen the bathrooms in these places? The urinal in the men's room looks like a horse trough! Your feet sometimes stick to the concrete like it's a movie theatre! Who knows, but they could have gotten your stuff mixed up with some old Barry Bonds samples or something. Would it be fair to hurt a guy because his specimen cup got contaminated by stale beer seeping from the walls?"
"Now, if a ball player fails number four, then he's got a real problem. I think that if this happens, he maybe oughta get some counseling. Maybe you could show him the before and after pictures of them used to be skinny guys like Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds and then show them pictures of what Lyle Alzado looked like when he died. You know, a guys got to get some education and you know, maybe he didn't really understand that the stuff was bad for him."
"Hey, if a guy doesn't pass number five, maybe it just hasn't had time to get out of his system since you educated him about the dangers. Give him until after the season and he can work and exercise the stuff out and then maybe you can test him again."
"If he still can't pass a pee test, maybe then you could keep him out of spring training or something. Then test him again when that's over and see if he still fails. If he does, maybe then you can start to put the Commissioner's plan into action. That is, unless he's the kind of guy who's goin' to break a big record or goin' ta the Hall of Fame, and then you shouldn't do anything."
Asked for a response to the union's proposals, David Limpwrist, attorney for the commissioners office, said that "I personally think we ought to hand Barry Bonds a specimen cup every time he rounds first base, collect it when he rounds third, and kick his butt out of the game before he reaches home plate."