Written by Bill Licks
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Topics: Wayne Rooney, genius

Sunday, 3 April 2011

image for Wayne Rooney in Four Word Outburst
What the fuck?

Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney stunned millions of television viewers by revealing he now has a vocabulary of four words.

After completing his hat-trick in the 4-2 win over West Ham United at Upton Park, Rooney shouted the words 'Fucking what? What? Fuck you' directly into a TV camera.

His manager Alex Ferguson was the first to congratulate him after the game and admitted he was shocked by Rooney's knowledge of so many English words.

'I always knew the boy could say the word 'fuck' said Ferguson 'but to combine it in a sentence, albeit a very short sentence, with other words shows real class and talent.'

'He's been working hard in training all week. We've heard him say 'fuck off' a couple of times when Giggsy asked him to put his cigarette out so we knew he had the potential to possibly say more words.'

'I just hope he can continue this form in the Champions League quarter final against Chelsea on Wednesday and perhaps tell Ashley Cole to 'Fuck off you cunt' when he fouls him in the first minute of the game'

Scientists have also been amazed at Rooney's remarkable new level of intelligence. Professor Brian Cox from the hit TV show Science is as Cool as Kelvin believes this could open up a whole new chapter in the evolution of the human race.

'It just shows that primitive beasts such as chimpanzees or Premier League footballers are evolving right in front of our eyes like when a caterpillar changes into a butterfly or something.'

'Charles Darwin thought that evolution took millions of years to happen, but the fact that Wayne Rooney can progress from grunting and spitting to be able to say words like most humans do within the space of 90 minutes proves his theory was a load of old bollocks'

Rooney was unavailable for comment although he did issue a statement saying 'You fucking what? What fuck? Fuck what? Fuck.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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