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Friday, 1 April 2011

image for Manchester United announce new pricing structure for next season
I'm going to have to watch from my garden from now on

Always innovating, Manchester United are announcing a new pricing scheme for the 2011/2012 season: Pay what you weigh.

Each of the turnstiles will have a set of scales outside, and fans will have to stand on them prior to entry to the ground. Whatever your weight - to the nearest stone - will be what you pay for entry to the ground. Season ticket holders will be weighed upon purchase of their season ticket, and will pay this weight for every game, regardless of if their weight fluctuates throughout the season.

"Obviously," said chairman David Gill, "this will benefit the more svelte supporters. In an attempt to gain a bigger gate revenue, we will be installing a mobile burger van in the car-park, with pies, chips and burgers available at a discounted price."

The average weight of a Manchester United supporter is thought to be about fourteen stone, which is a fantastic bargain for most people. "We did consider using pounds and run it as a Pound For Pound Scheme," said Gill. "However, we doubt that people would be willing to pay over a hundred pounds for a ticket."

Other clubs are looking at this pricing scheme with great interest. Sunderland manager, Steve Bruce, believes that this could double his gate receipts. "We have the fattest supporters in the league," he said. "This would be brilliant."

The Premiership are fully behind the scheme. League secretary, Avril Première, was enthusiastic: "This is a great idea, which will encourage the average football fan to perhaps walk to the ground in an effort to shed a couple of pounds and get a discount at the gate. I wish I had thought of it."

Fans carrying helium balloons are asked to let a small child hold them while they are weighed

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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