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Monday, 19 September 2005

image for Ty Willingham to Call Plays for Both Sides in Norte Dame/Washington Game
Touchdown Jesus may not raise his arms many times for Notre Dame this week.

(AP) Former Notre Dame and new Washington football coach Ty Willingham is exercising a little known part of his original contract that will allow him to call the plays for both sides in Saturday's game. "When they hired me, I had them put a rider on my contract that I would be allowed to call the plays myself for the football team for five years, regardless of who the offensive coordinator or defensive was," Willingham said. "When they fired me, bought out my contract, whatever you want to call it, they did not take this part into account. So, regardless of who their coach or offensive or defensive coordinator is, I get to call the plays on offense and the formations on defense."

Willingham was asked what he anticipated would be the game plan for the Notre Dame offense this week. "Well, let's see," he said. "They've had a lot of success throwing it downfield so far this year, so I think that I will limit their passing game to only screens to Bubba Burgers, their slowest freshman tight end. When they run the ball, they will only be able to run reverses with Bubba or run off tackle to the left side of the line with their fullbacks. When that side of my line starts getting tired of tackling, I have them start running off tackle to the right side with the fullback for a while. Whenever they get to third and long, I'll call a few quarterback sneaks. And they are always going to go for it and run a quarterback sneak on fourth down!"

"Willingham was just as enthusiastic about the defensive formations calls. "I think I'll have them play in goal line defense whenever we want to pass and in a prevent whenever we want to run. We'll also have them switch back and forth between a 3-4 and a 4-3. I'll even throw in a little Flex Defense every now and then, even though Tom Landry and the old Dallas Cowboys are the only ones who ever understood that one or ran it correctly or successfully."

New Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis was visibly and understandably upset, but knew that he had been beaten. "I'm sending him a copy of my playbook and made him pinkie swear that he would not give it to any of our other opponents for the rest of the season."

Willingham, however, was not sure on this last point. "Whenever we have an open date, I'll rent myself out to whoever Notre Dame's opponent is. If they play in a bowl game on a diffent day than us, my services are for sale! I think that I might just have to quit here at Washington and rent myself out to whoever plays Notre Dame the next couple of years. I could make a ton of money doing this!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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