Written by the edgy gerbil
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Topics: F1

Monday, 14 March 2011

image for All change for Formula One?
Could this be the future of formula one? Or smart car's new model?

Motor racing fans and neutrals have long complained that the formula one season is too boring with one or two manufacturers regularly having a technological and financial advantage over the rest of the paddock.

This has always lead the sport's governors into a delicate situation as they try to appease fans and car manufacturers alike and it seems that the boffins (or boffinettes if they employ a lot of women) have come up with some answers at last.

From the Australian grand prix onwards, drivers will now have to load up their cars on the grid before they can set off. This will include trying to coax their pet labradors into the back of the car, closing the back of the car, and just when they are about to actually shut the door, seeing the afore mentioned dog go leaping out of the back and away to freedom and sniffing their own bums in front of the telly, until the driver is finally able to balance the two so that back is closed with pooch still in it.

And then the drivers will have to have an argument with their wives/partners as to whose fault it was that the garage door wasn't shut before they left and how much they hate their inlaws.

The next test for the drivers is to strap their kids in the car.

Now given that there is barely enough room for a formula one driver in the cockpit of their car, this alone should be worth tuning in for - that and seeing your favourite driver trying to make sense of the straps on the baby seat that their youngest goes into.

Once underway (remember their is a 30 minute stop/go penalty for any infringements in this first phase) they must complete ten minutes of solid quick driving before completing the next 100 miles at 45mph driving through miles and miles of seemingly endless cones with no roadworks actually happening, while simultaneously avoiding the sort of potholes that are so big, they make the grand canyon look silly - you know the ones, they'd destroy your suspension if you went through them.

Then they have to do ten laps behind a guy in a learner car who keeps dropping the clutch.

In addition to all this, there is also a change involving the sequence of lights at the start of the race.

As well as the bog standard format we all know so well, the drivers will now dash between sets of traffic lights hoping to not catch red ones every time, but race officials have made it clear to us that they will not succeed.

The idea is that the races become so simple that even Mandy the prog rock singing Alsation could win races, but of course Mandy's now busy working on new material with the rest of Genesis and we wish them well, sort of.

When asked to comment a drivers spokesman said "Bugger this, I'm taking up cricket"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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