Written by R.E. Petras
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Topics: Tattoos

Sunday, 13 March 2011

In protest of his recent suspension imposed by the university, Ohio State head football coach Jim Tressel has decided have his first tattoo.

The tattoo is a scarlet and gray printing of the 8-2 lifetime won-loss record he achieved against Michigan and was inked on a very special place he reserves for the Wolverines--his left butt cheek. For payment, the tattoo artist would not settle for anything less than last year's Big Ten Championship ring.

"It's probably going to be worthless, anyway," Tressel said, referring to possible forfeiture of all games last season. "I do have plenty of other trinkets and my national title ring I can hock once the unemployment checks run out."

Tressel blames the Wisconsin Teachers Union for his plight, saying that they are trying to take over the country. "Thankfully," he said, "most of my best players have not come under the influence of any teachers."

The Buckeyes will play the first two games of the forthcoming season without Tressel and four starters, whom Tressel maintains were wrongly suspended for exchanging their mothers' brownie and cookie recipes for discounts at local tattoo parlors.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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