EVERYWHERE - NFL fans have expressed contempt and derision of Tom Brady, New England Patriots quarterback, for his new ponytail haircut. Polls indicate the overwhelming majority of criticism of Brady's hairstyle comes from people who desperately wish the man was their team's quarterback.
"Brady is such a faggot," said Cowboys fan Mark Cristal, who would replace Tony Romo with Brady without a second thought. Cristal further commented that he didn't understand "how anybody could respect" the man who holds the records for touchdowns thrown in a season, highest completion percentage in a game, and consecutive passes without an interception.
"Seriously, if there's any more doubt that Brady is the most homo player in the league, this should be the final straw," reported California native Andrew Heller. Heller has attempted to draft Brady for his fantasy football team for the last four seasons, and has not once seriously contemplated acquiring Philip Rivers.
"He's such a pussy-whipped bitch; he looks like a greasy European soccer player," said Philadelphia resident Edward Young, who reportedly was in tears following the Patriots' victory over the Eagles in Super Bowl XXXIX.
"I thought his Bieber haircut was bad, now this bullshit? The man must be legally retarded," declared Patrick Phelgan, who privately admits he would perform a variety of illegal and immoral activities to secure the talents of Brady for his Seattle Seahawks.
Brady could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy having the most Super Bowl rings of any active quarterback.