Written by Nick Hobbs
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Saturday, 12 March 2011

image for Six Nations Rugby: Scotland Unveil Secret Weapon To Beat English At Twickenham.
The Scottish have been training with a specially designed ball.

Twickenham is to host the rugby meeting of the weekend today, when England face arch rivals Scotland.

The fixture is much anticipated, with an England win boosting their chances of winning the six nations trophy outright.

However, Scotland have employed a secret weapon, to help ensure a decisive win over the marauding Brits. They have asked John Smeaton, made famous for tackling the Glasgow airport bomber in 2007, to step in as captain.

Smeaton has been training the team for the last week, in all manner of defensive tackles. From running at a flaming man and taking him down, to carrying a ticking device at speed, Smeaton is sure the Scots are ready for the task at hand.

"As long as we keep our heads, I feel we can do this for our homeland," said Smeaton, as he wrestled a bear in front of gathered press correspondents.

The nation's own 'hard bastard' has taken his duties seriously though. Training has been demanding, but he felt he needed to toughen up, before his outing against the English enemy.

Only last week he was sent to the Victoria Bar in Glasgow, a Rangers affiliated bar, wearing a Celtic shirt and chanting anti-Rangers songs. He then went to a Glasgow estate, where he wore tight leather trousers and spoke loudly in a very effeminate voice.

Andy Robinson, manager for Scotland, was convinced his injuries would heal in time for the big game.

"He has healed well, and I can assure you he will be in the team," he told us.

But Robinson didn't stop there. "We decided to take the extra precaution of putting Smeaton under hypnosis. He has been subliminally convinced that every member of the England team is planning to explode a device in the heart of the Scottish defence. That should see us right!"

It is shaping up to be a fiery match. We can't wait.

Rumours that England's manager Martin Johnson is to select Danny Dyer as some kind of counter-attack are unconfirmed, as Dyer isn't really that hard.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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