Written by Nick Hobbs

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Saturday, 12 March 2011

image for Six Nations Italian Rugby Team Manager Promises 'Fight' Against France
Ouch, rugby hurts...

Nick Mallett, manager of the Italian national rugby team, has promised a 'fight' against France this weekend.

Italy who have lost 29 out of 34 games under Mallett, are facing a challenge on Saturday. They have lost at home to France for the last nine games. By huge margins.

But Mallett has allegedly told his team to use brute force if they have to. Anything for the win.

Players have been told to:

  • Insert fingers in French eyes.
  • Pull hair. Completely out if neccessary.
  • Remove limbs, such as feet, hands or even heads.
  • Use bad language, mixed with graphic sexual imagery, involving stories concerning opposition players wives/girlfriends/mothers.

The seemingly underhand tactics are deemed 'necessary' by top Italian rugby officials.

A spokesman told us 'we have'a bin'a losing de game of rugby fora too long now, eh? The French are going to meeta dare a'matcha, no? At a any d'cost, any at all, see?"

Extra medical staff have been positioned around the stadium, and hospitals are being kept clear in anticipation of a right good scrap.

French officials are not worried however, a spokesperson told us "we are not, 'ow you say? Bovvered? Non? We will score well, we always do against zat team, and in their home! Bring it on!"

Italy are expected to win by at least a point.

Mallett will be fired after the game if they don't.

We await with baited breath.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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