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Friday, 11 March 2011

image for Foreign Footballers To Face Compulsory English Lessons

The associations governing senior football in the U.K - the English Football Association, Scottish Football Association, Football Association of Wales and the Irish Football Association - have been meeting in secret over the last few months and are set to announce a controversial new initiative.

There have been concerns regularly expressed about the influx of foreign players and the influence this has on all levels of the game, from the giddy heights of the English Premiership to the bowels of the earth that is the Conference and Scottish Leagues.

Representatives from all 4 associations formed a sub group to look into a particular problem that has been identified as a direct result of the increasing number of non English speaking players setting in our green and pleasant land - namely, the effect they are having on our language.

The sub group attended a talk from the Queens English Society, one of whose main goals is to reverse the decline in the standard of written and spoken English being brought about by the use of emails, texts and the increased mobility in the European job market.

The Society's most urgent concern in relation to the large number of foreign players now plying their trade in the U.K is the large number of times managers claim their players don't know the meaning of the word 'defeat'.

Brian Ballard, chair of the football sub group, goes on :

"Until the Q.E.S. brought this matter to our attention, we did not appreciate how often this claim is made by our managers. Mick McCarthy, Tony Pulis and even Sir Alex Ferguson express this opinion on a regular basis and it is extremely worrying.

If players in our top clubs are having difficulty understanding such a basic concept, the future of our language is not rosy.

As a result of this dire situation, all 4 Football Associations are immediately instructing all member clubs to introduce compulsory language lessons for any player whose first language is not the Queens English. Any individual who does not complete and pass an intense 3 month course will have their registration cancelled forthwith and they will be put on the first plane home.

This stipulation applies to all players currently employed in the U.K game. It is retrospective".

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Robbie Keane, James McArthur and Gareth Bale are now receiving counselling.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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