The Football Association has announced that, effective from tomorrow morning 9.00 a.m., there will be the first ever "No Fly Zone" set up over England.
Frustrated at the number of occasions when the name of English football has been dragged through the mud by Premiership layers' lurid behaviour, the F.A. has finally bit the bullet and has effectively declared war on players antics - the names Crouch, Terry, Ferdinand and Rooney spring immediately to mind.
The announcement reads as follows : "Following intense and protracted discussions with all directors, the Association has ruled that until further notice no Premiership player shall be permitted to open his fly (buttons or zip) in any location other than his own flat or (in the case of players from abroad who have not yet fixed up permanent accommodation)hotel room, or in a public convenience.
Thanks to the comprehensive information provided by the U.S.'s highly sophisticated Glory satellite, FA boffins can now track the movements of all Premiership players and whether or not they are abiding by the regulation as it affects their sensitive trouserial area.
Anyone found to be flouting the rules will receive a lengthy ban and automatic enrolling into a Sex Addict's Therapy Group".