Written by grimbo
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Tuesday, 8 March 2011

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A summit between Rangers chief executive Martin Bain and Celtic's Peter Lawwell was held today at Hampden Par but the meeting ,chaired by the SFA, descended into chaos after Bain threw a packet of crisps at Lawwell, claiming they were "you lot's staple diet anyway".

Lawwell retaliated by pouring a can of Fanta over Bain's head, accusing him of "being drenched in the colour already".

United Nations Secretary General Bank Ki-moon has appointed an envoy to Glasgow and is to send in a humanitarian team as the battle between the Old Firm rumbles on and threatens to spill onto the streets of the capital.

"We have major concerns about the safety of many Glaswegians as it seems inevitable that innocent citizens will become embroiled in the conflict.

A fact finding mission has just returned after spending 3 days in the embattled city and they advise that many civilians are already suffering severe deprivation.

Although there is no official blockade of goods , our mission reports seeing many dazed individuals walking the streets wearing dirty, ill fitting shell suits.

One of our officials stopped to speak to a particularly disorientated looking teenager who was wearing only one plimsoll. He asked the pasty faced youth 'What happened, have you lost a shoe ?'

The reply was 'Naw, man, I just found wan'.

This situation cannot be allowed to deteriorate further.

We are hopeful that our team can reverse the obvious signs of decay and degradation pervading this once flourishing city.

It is already a humanitarian disaster of mammoth proportions".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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