Written by Skoob1999
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Monday, 7 March 2011

image for Local Man Distraught Over Yet Another Liverpool Drubbing
Shuttlecock Today - Even With Dyed Hair He Still Looks Sad

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was today reported to be "distraught and humiliated" this afternoon - a full 24 hours after Liverpool drubbed his beloved Man United 3-1 at Anfield.

Shuttlecock has been sighted skulking around, trying to kick the cat, being severely crabby with long-suffering wife Anne, and apparently so enraged that he could have a row with himslef.

Dirk Kuyt's hat-trick may have brought delight to Merseyside, but it only succeeded in plunging the Shuttlecock household into the depths of depression.

The Merseysiders won a spirited match at Anfield courtesy of a Dirk Kuyt hat trick. The first came after Suarez made the United defence look like donkeys. He then popped the ball along the goal line for a simple finish from Kuyt. The second came from a perfect assist from United winger Nani, allowing the Dutchman a simple header. Some sources suggest that Nani is suffering from a condition known as 'directionlexia' typified according to medical experts by "heading the ball in the wrong direction."

Anne Shuttlecock informed Skoob Sports News that Martin gave up on the game at half time after Nani started crying on the pitch after Jamie Carragher nearly took his leg off. A serious incident it may have been, but Martin Shuttlecock summed it up thus:

"Crying like a girl is unacceptable. It's just not the United way. It doesn't matter whether Carragher got a red card or a yellow card - there's no excuse for a grown man to skrike his eyes out on a football pitch. Not even one who looks like Michael Jackson out of that old Thriller video."

Anne relates that Shuttlecock couldn't bear to watch the second half, stating that he'd had a vision, and thence retreated to the kitchen to quaff a whole bottle of black absinthe and attempt to slash his wrists with an apple corer.

"He's as rough as dogs today," Anne revealed. "Proper took the wind out of his sails that has. He's been shaking like a shitting dog since this morning."

Too much information there Anne.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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