Chelsea midfielder, Frank Lampard has admitted that he is nearing the end of his career in the beautiful game. Unfortunately, being the dullest object on the planet, so dull he occasionally vanishes during matches, he would only be eligible for a Match of the Day punditry job, and Mark Lawrenson already has the dull punditry role and looks unlikely to relinquish it. Lawrenson famously became mildly less dull for twenty minutes in 2007 when he shaved off his moustache.
The Cheslea and England attacking midfielder has admitted that he has discovered a route to extending his footballing career.
"I'm going to have a sex change, and join a women's footballing team," he said. "It's quite probably the most interesting thing I have ever done."
Francesca Lampard, as she will be known, has already applied for Chelsea Ladies, but has a reserve in the Tottenham Women's Amateur Team, should that fall through.
"TWATFC have already said that I can turn out for them, after the operation," said Lampard. "They told me that I could probably play upfront, as I will be the tallest player in the team. That would be a nice change."
There are one or two details for Lampard to sort out before he undergoes the suregery at the end of the 2014 season.
"I need to learn a few things," he said. "How to play football in heels, for one. How to fasten a sports-bra and whether my skin tone is ivory or fair for my Olay UV protect foundation cream."
Tottenham Women's team have said they can help with all these tricky issues.
"I'd like him to come pre-op," said Sarah Adesert, the team's current striker, who is having an arid spell. "He's quite dishy isn't he?"
John Terry has already offered to take Francesca's virginity.