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Sunday, 6 March 2011

image for Rangers Boss Lays Down The Law To Players

As Rangers season seems on the verge of imploding, manager Walter Smith has laid down a harsh new code of conduct for all players.

Smith is concerned that, in the wake of another humiliating defeat at the hands of Old Firm rivals Celtic, season 2010/11 may fall to pieces completely unless the first team squad focuses on the job in hand.

From now until the end of the season - or until the Govan club have nothing left to play for - no player during working hours will be allowed to listen to any music . Instead the collected speeches of Winston Churchill will be piped through any personal MP3 player or I Pod, as well as over the tannoy system at the Murray Park training facility or at Ibrox itself.

Following tabloid reports of a bust up between Allan McGregor and Maurice Edu's partners, Smith has decreed that any future bust up between Wags can only take place on Twitter or Facebook, not in reality. The hope is that any disagreement can be carried out in cyberspace and all tension dissipated by the time the participants meet in public.

And finally, all players have been banned from accessing Uppers or any other such stimulatory drugs as they are liable to encourage the users to kick off or otherwise behave in an excitable manner and potentially anti social manner.

From now on, the first team squad will only be permitted to use depressants or downers as these will calm them down during times of stress and make them less liable to draw attention to themselves during their leisure time.

The success or otherwise of this brave new approach will be monitored by a number of clubs in the Premiership.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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