Written by Morgan Truce
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Tuesday, 13 September 2005

image for WWE Sold to Tom Cruise; Vince McMahon Fired
"Let 'em rip..."

STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT (WWE Special) The decision made yesterday to sell the entire WWE organization to Hollywood actor Tom Cruise struck a blow to diehard wrestling fans throughout the world. Trying to adjust to being unable to watch smackdowns and mayhem, WWE fans are giving Tom Cruise a chance to get settled in to his new job. Several leading wrestling publications have tried to figure out what the role of Scientology will be in wrestling as a result of the change of ownership.

Virtually every wrestling personality seems to be vying to have the first match with Tom Cruise. The most commonly sneered boast: "I'm gonna' rip him a new one!"

Still living in Hollywood and planning his next move, Tom Cruise has told close friends that he was very turned on by the thought of getting a new one ripped. "I'm going to take over wrestling where Gorgeous George left off. I'm going to show the whole wrestling world how the power of Scientology can overcome the biggest, meanest opponent. I also want to say right up front that Katie Holmes will be standing right at my side whenever I wrestle. I really love her so much... so much!"

Some older WWE fans have filed lawsuits demanding the return of all the money they laid out for season tickets and Dish Network wrestling specials.

Hardest hit seem to be the 8 to 15 year old male age group which accounts for up to 6% of the sales of wrestling action figures. A disappointed Tommy Torricelli cried "What am I gonna' do with all my Vince figures now? Are all my Rocks and Hogans worthless? I'm saving my lunch money so I can buy a few Tom Cruise figures when they hit the market, but I figure those will be priced very high at first. Actually, I'm kind of confused about Tom Cruise... I saw him on TV once... and he was jumping up and down on some couch instead of bashing that woman over her head with it. That would have been much better! Yeah!"

Amid all the chaos caused by the sale of the WWE, the one person that no one has heard from is Vince McMahon. There is a rumor floating around that he is working on a new organization called WWD.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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