Written by Morse
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Wednesday, 2 March 2011

image for Bernie Madoff Lives! Mets Owners Offer Club For Sale: Promise 50% Return on Investment!
Real Baseball Fans Cheer on Farrelly's Attempt to Buy Mets!

Things are getting increasingly desperate for NY Mets owners Fred Wilpon and Brother in law Saul Katz as federal investigators are pressing for over $300m in ill gotten gains from 'investments' from Ponzi Prince Bernie Madoff, now doing 150 years for fraud.

The woeful Mets, less than mediocre under the current ownership, and despite a new billion dollar stadium, are having trouble meeting everyday expenses, let along salaries.

Insider reports indicate the Mets may only put 8 players on the field at any one time and third baseman David Wright may have to cover short stop as well.

"What we'll be seeing,' said long time baseball observer and fan Wally Wordsmithe, a former Little League standout, " is a return to the roots of baseball, when a starting pitcher is expected to go deep into the 8th inning. No more of these 'specialists' who come in and throw 3 pitches and go back to the bullpen to play cribbage while earning $12m a season!"

Down in Pt. Saint Lucie Florida, players are noticing the difference the lack of money can make. Baseballs are those left over from last years batting practice, there are no night games to conserve electricity, and all the shower heads , toilets and urinals have now been reduced to 'low flow' conservation units.

"Frankly, it stinks, " said equipment manager Artie "Scooter" Lietz," we can't even get a plumber to come and unplug the toilets as all the repair men in the area know about our financial problems and are demanding cash as soon they show up...it's a royal ass stinking mess!"

The players have been forced to take payment vouchers toward their salaries for the past two weeks, and at least 2 outfielders, a utility infielder, and the batting practice pitcher has been seen at the local Publix cashing in food stamps in order to buy TV dinners.

The baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, is said to be considering over 30 offers from various investment groups to buy up to 49% of the team, with Wilpon telling potential buyers they can rest assured their investment will return 'at least 50% and probably more', in their perspective which was purloined from close friend Bernie Maddoff who made off with $65B in the world's largest Ponzi Scheme.

In addition to Goldman Sachs (!), several other investment firms, hedge funds, and derivative firms are contesting for a piece of the pie, although there is some hesitation to be a minority owner under the Wilpon/Katz cartel who will remain in charge of accounting and issuing dividend checks while refusing to issue yearly audit reports.

A big dark horse is Spoof Writer Gail Farrelly who is using her internet presence to form a grass roots ownership LLC in an attempt to take her beloved Mets out of the clutches of major Wall Street players and return it to devout fans.

According to Farrelly $5 and $10 dollar contributions are pouring in and to date she has raised about $657M toward her goal of $1.2B in order wrest a 100% ownership position.
Farrelly likens the grass roots movement to the NFL Green Bay Packers which is owned by the city of Green Bay and stockholders who live in the city.

"Hey," she said recently when interrupted over a Pastrami Sandwich at the famous
Carnegie Deli, " if Green Bay can do it, we can do it....the Poughkeepsie Mets....Amazin' Spoof innit?"

Farrelly says if she takes over, her first move will be to place a statue of Marvelous Marv
Throneberry alongside the first base box seats.

"This place will be rockin'," she said, "NY loves the underdog, and I promise we'll fulfill
their expectations!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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