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Friday, 9 September 2005

image for It's confirmed, Peter Crouch is Timmy...!!!
Timmy, pictured in 2001 (left) and yesterday (right)

Liverpool - 9th September 2005.

In an official statement just released from Liverpool FC, the club has confirmed their summers' big signing, Peter Crouch, signed from Southampton FC for £7 million pounds, is in fact Timmy from South Park.

Timmy, one time cartoon megastar and founder member of the equal rights for wheelchair users ‘Ride On For Equality', has shocked friends and associates within the group by undertaking extensive medical treatment and has re-invented himself as the premier league footballer.

In a recent interview, when asked about the transition, Crouch, now 6' 7" tall, shouted ‘Timmy' at reporters before running off and playing with his balls and what appeared to be several stolen hubcaps. Crouch's height was a deliberate move by doctors to distract from his previous short stature of 4' 3". The treatment had not been without incident, as Crouch has recently had to miss 4 months of football due to a re-occurring hamstring problem hung-over from the treatment.

Timmy's one time co-star, Eric Cartmen (17), who is currently working in a McDonalds in Los Angeles, made no attempt to hide his contempt for the now scouse footballing legend to be. "He used to come round, eat my cheesy-poofs and we'd talk until dawn. Now, I don't hear from him for months. I made that boy into what he is and does he ever call me? No. He's a scoucer now, through and through. Work shy layabout with no regard for their family or friends".

Ride on for Equality (R.O.F.E.); have refused to comment on Timmy's transition into Crouch, stating that "They are no longer associated with Timmy. We heard from a reliable source that he had moved to Liverpool and that is not somewhere we like to be affiliated with".

Life long Liverpool fan, the legendary Liverpudlian Comedian Stan Boardman, read the statement in full. "It is with great pleasure that we, Liverpool FC - 5 times European Champions, can confirm that Peter Crouch did used to be Timmy from South Park. After extensive medical treatment and intense psychological regression, he is now one of us and deserves the respect of everyone. We would appreciate it if further speculation about Mr Crouch's identity be referred to us in the first instance, as he finds this all rather upsetting. Also, them Germans, they bombed our chippy".

We finally caught up with Crouch outside the training ground last night, and when asked to comment on the revelation, he shouted "Timmy" and scuttled into the building.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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