(AP) In a follow-up to a story reported last week, this reporter uncovered several more animal stars who have tested positive for steroids. The list now includes such notable performers as Jumbo the Elephant from the Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus, Miss Piggy of The Muppet Show and subsequent films, Bevo, the mascot of the Texas Longhorns, and Godzilla.
Wallace Cigarettepapers, the lab technician who took the urine samples and then processed the steroids tests, had this to say in his interview: "Man, I thought the test on Shamu was hard just because of the size of the specimen cup and the sample (we had to use one of those five gallon Sparkletts water jars to carry it and it kind of sloshed around on my clothes a little bit). Shamu, though, was easy compared to some of the other guys."
"Jumbo the elephant also had a huge sample. Getting it was hard. Do you know how many big droppings you have to dodge around to hold the specimen container in the right spot? Then, the elephant has to turn and look to see who is getting fresh with him. No, Jumbo won't stop calling and won't leave me alone! I'm going to have to put a restraining order on the guy because he keeps stalking me!"
"Miss Piggy was another difficult case. Now we know where she gets her aggressive attitide. She kept doing the hi-ya karate chop bit whenever we told her that she had been accused of doping up. She claimed her body was all natural, but it isn't."
"Bevo is one buff looking bull longhorn. No wonder he has been involved in University of Texas football for so long."
"I found Godzilla to be a perfect gentleman. He didn't get mad and try to smash Tokyo again when asked for a sample. The aggressive behaviour that generally follows steroid use just wasn't there. I think it may be because he is so big that a couple of hypodermic injections won't affect him that much."
When this newspaper asked the Japanese Embassy to make a statement about the giant lizard testing positive, the staff ran around in circles with their hands in the air screaming "Godzirra, Godzirra."
The U.T. system, when asked about possible punishments against Bevo, said "we're number two in the country right now and fightin' fer a national championship. Just cuz our mascot shoots up a little don't mean nothin'. Heck, it just makes him beefier cuz he knows he's bbq if we lose to Oklahoma again!"
When asked about his wife, Kermit the Frog wanted to know if we had also tested Big Bird and Mr. Snuffalufagus. He was sure that they provided the drugs to Miss Piggy. When told that they had been provided by Dr. Bunson Honeydoo, he laughed and asked if we had ever seen his assistant, Beaker. An investigation into the possible steroid or other drug use by Beaker is underway.
P.T. Barnum VIII, of the circus, had this to say about the elephant: "Why do you think he got to be so jumbo?"
This reporter will not rest in his continueing quest to search out and report steroids violations in our society.