The University of Oklahoma Sooners have announced a new football schedule effective immediately for the 2005 season after their upset home loss to Texas Christian University (TCU).
"The Sooners are used to being in the national championship picture, having played in the championship game three times in the last five years (and winning once). The idea of losing to a lowly Mountain West school is repugnant to us," said Eli Seatcushion of the university athletic department. "We are supposed to be on the top of our conference and not the laughing stock of the top ten."
Comments on their opponents by Seatcushion follow the listings. The Sooners new schedule is as follows:
September 10 (home) Dallas Parapalegic
("Those are some real smart boys with some shifty moves they got playing for them. They beat up on all of the teams in the Quadrapelegic Conference every year, so we need to be ready.")
September 17 (road) SIsters of Holy Trinity Women's College
("We've had a good, heated rivalry with Notre Dame over the years, so we decided to add another Catholic School to the schedule.")
September 24 (home) Tulsa Barber College
("You've got to watch out for a bunch of guys who are used to working with sharp objects every day.")
October 1 (road) Odessa Permian High School
("This is the famous Mojo squad that they wrote about and made the film about in Friday Night Lights. SInce they win the state championship every other year in Texas, they ought to give us a real run for our money.")
October 8 (Neutral SIte) Texas Longhorns
("Yep, they are ranked number two in most polls right now, but they haven't beat us in twenty years, so we feel pretty safe keeping this one on the schedule. We'll try to hold our scoring down below 60 like we've done the past few years.")
October 15 (home) New Mexico State University
("They've consistently got one of the worst programs in college football. Because of that, they'll probably be up for us. We expect a tough contest.")
October 22 (road) New Mexico State University
("We had to sign a home and home contract to add them to the schedule, so we figured we'd beat up on them two weeks in a row.")
October 29 (home) Cupcake University
("We don't know anything about them, but people have been accusing us of playing cupcakes every year on our schedule, so we decided to try it for real for once,")
November 5 (road) Nebraska School for the Visually Handicapped
("They say when you take away one sense, the others all get sharper. We're a little afraid that these guys might be able to hear what we say in the huddle, so we're working out some hand signals."
November 12 (home) Oklahoma State University
("We had the governor tell them that they had better lose or we'll take all of their state funding. They beat us in basketball anyway, so fair is fair.")
Considering that they already have one loss, Oklahoma feels that if they run the table and finish 10-1, they may still have a shot at another national title.