The Federal Government probe into steroid use by athletes nabbed another victim Tuesday when Shamu the Sea World killer whale tested positive. Senator Morganstern Coatrack of New Jersey, a member of the sub-committee investigating steroid usage, made the announcement from the tank at the San Diego Sea World.
"Another sports icon in America has shown that all of the jumping records records are tarnished. Another hero to children has fallen off of the high pedestal where we place our heroes. One more athlete has succembed to the temptation to jump higher, swim faster, and go deeper due to artificial means."
Sea World executives were understandably upset by the revelation. Company spokesman Gabe Cuttlefish said that "Shamu has always been straight with us in the past. We shovel fish in the mouth by the hundreds and the orca does tricks in the pool for the kids. We don't know where this steroid use came from. Namu and Camu, our other killer whales, were not in competition to take over the spotlight. Shamu's records were so far out there that no one could touch them. Now they are all tainted and no one really knows if hitting a volleyball that is hanging 25 feet in the air is realistic or drug-induced."
Barry Bonds, in a rare interview, commented on the Shamu story. "Leave the fish alone. Just leave the fish alone. I ain't never seen no big fish at Balco before. You just sayin' this because the whale is black. That's just the way you people is. I think I'm goin' ta drive down ta San Diego and hang with my homey. We don't need no accusationing goin' down here no more."
As there is no governing body over performing animals, the congressional committee has turned jurisdiction over to the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). In a statement released this morning, they stated that "we feel it in the best interest of Shamu and Sea World to suspend the orca from performing for ten days. A second violation will earn a thirty day suspension, a third will merit a one year suspension. If Shamu continues to abuse steroids and tests positive after that point, it is in the best interest of his fans and other killer whales to ban him for life from performing."
Shamu declined to comment for this story, but did splash the pool reporters and spit water at the photographers who were seated in the first six rows.