Written by IainB
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Thursday, 3 February 2011

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Redditch United's new strike partnership

Redditch United are looking for people willing to play their Conference North fixture on Saturday at home to Hyde. They are not picky, and will even supply the kit, though prospective players would need their own boots.

"We'd need confirmation by Friday at five o'clock," said Redditch Chairman, Sam Hope. "We'd have to register them in time for Saturday's game."

Redditch have been forced to slash their playing budget, by one hundred percent, to nothing.

"We've got no cash," said Hope. "We asked the players if they would play for nothing, but reasonably, they said no."

United's precarious position has come about over several years of struggling in the second tier of non-league football. Dwindling crowds has seen them finish lower and lower in the table each year, and now they sit bottom of the league, with no hope of escaping relegation this time around.

"I've been putting money into the club for the past ten years," said Hope. "However, without the backing of the townsfolk the money I need to put in has been increasing, just to pay basic wages. The rest of the club is already staffed completely by volunteers, and I'm fed up of supporting the team on my own. I can't put in any more money."

Hope claims that the people of Redditch do not deserve a football team. With his deep love of Redditch United football club, Hope will continue to fund the expenses of the club until the end of the season, but after this, he is quitting, like the rest of the town.

"It's sad," said Steve Ardour, a lifelong fan. "I guess this is our final season. On the plus side, I'm playing fullback on Saturday, and that will be brilliant."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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