Written by Eurocleese De Zouch
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Thursday, 3 February 2011

In an unusual, but unsurprising move, Gary Neville's body has announced that it is to retire from Association Football - effective immediately.

However in a separate shock press conference, his chin has vowed to carry on, and would even consider signing for Manchester United's fierce rivals, The Tenby Mince.

Neville, 35, known for hurling Battenburg cake at local eco-warriors, had decided to call it a day, after regaining his recurring burping condition, for which there is no known cure.

Alan Rampant, a pundit on the Premiership's highlight show "Eerurrghh" said "Gary has been a fantastic servant for his club. However, if his chin decides to sign for Tenby, then all hell will break loose in Pembrokeshire".

His brother, Phil Neville, the Everton midfilder, was asked for his opinion, but unfortunately he can only speak in binary, and there was no-one around to decode his rambling message at the time of it's transmission.

In a side show, a number of minor C-list celebrities were all forced into a minibus on a Hull trading estate, and were asked to belt the driver who looked like Gary Neville, with packets of broken biscuits. A builder was maimed amid the violence.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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