Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 1 February 2011

image for Andy Caroll joins Liverpool, told to get a hair cut
football

Andy Carroll, the hero of Tyneside is set to become the hero of Merseyside, but only if he gets a hair cut.

"It was bad enough that Torres used to wear a headband," said lifelong Liverpool fan and Newcastle boss, Alan Pardew. "But Andy wears a scrunchie!"

Carroll has been a Newcastle player man and boy, and was reluctant to leave his home town club, but the lure of big money at Anfield has ensured that he will at least be recompensed for his uprooting. Although Liverpool paid thirty-five million for Carrol, they got fifty million from Chelsea, leaving them enough to bring in a partner for him in the shape of Luis Suarez from Ajax.

"It's quite good value," said Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish. "If you look around the players moving, the only person who appears to have spent any actual money is Roman Abramovich. He bought that pansy Torres."

Dalglish is a little worried about Carroll's debut for Liverpool. "I've told him he'd best get a hair cut," he said. "It's bad enough that he has a girl's name, but with a girly haircut the Anfield choir will be on his back from day one. Being a striker is a lot like being a goalkeeper or defender, or even a midfielder, it's a confidence game."

"We've already got our chants sorted," said unofficial Anfield choir leader, Tommy Toyou. "Carroll is a girl's name, Carroll is a girl's name - he wears a scrunchie."

Sky Sports have announced that if this chant is chanted at Anfield, they will dub it, for otherwise, they'd have to sack the entire crowd.

For his part, Carroll has vowed not to cut his hair, but instead get a red scrunchie. Perhaps with a pink bow.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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