Paris -- The French cycling magazine LeCycliste today leveled doping charges at a famous American cyclist. In a cover piece, LeBike stated that George W. Bush, who recently cycled around his Crawford Texas ranch with TdF winner Lance Armstrong is "The world's biggest dope." Sidestepping accounts of Bush's cocaine use during his college days, the magazine stated it's accusations were based on behavioral, not scientific evidence.
Responding to the magazine's charges, President Bush stated: "It seemed like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of - and the allegations - by people people who hate America, people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble - that means not tell the truth."
"Everything you read in the papers confirms that the man's a buffoon" said LeCycliste editor Rhode Rhasih "He fell for that stupid Nigerian uranium fax," and when the Mossad told him Saddam Hussein was responsible for 9-11, he bought it hook line and sinker." He can't even form complete sentences. What more evidence do we need?
LeBiker said "No urine was needed" to confirm that Bush junior took drugs while in college. "This is a guy who not only claims he didn't inhale, he claims he didn't snort, toot, or mainline." Cocaine, methamphetamine, along with other stimulants, simply aren't allowed in bicycle racing. As far as Ginko Balboa, which is supposed to make you smarter, the President can take all of that he wants, but I don't think it's going to help."
Physical signs that Bush may be doping include his continuing avoidance of "withdrawal symptoms." Avoiding "a cold turkey" withdrawal from Iraq is a classic addiction behavior. Statements such as "Just give me 20,000 more troops and other six months" reveals the same sort of addiction General Westmoreland had going on in Vietnam. Visual hallucinations, such as "Seeing a light at the end of a tunnel that doesn't really exist " is another classic symptoms, according to physician Peede Ncup.
Making statements in the President's defense today were, Tyler Hamilton, Rafael Palmiero, and Lance Armstrong. White House spokesperson Scat McClellan was reportedly undecided on whether the administration should adopt the "evil twin" defense of Tyler Hamilton, or the "deny everything" approach of Palmiero. "False positives do occur in these tests," said McClellan. "And our President is famous for his double negatives."