Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Saturday, 22 January 2011

Mystery surrounding the strange love-bite like marks seen on David Beckham's neck, as he and a worried looking wife Victoria were leaving a fashionable London restaurant along Park Lane on Friday night, has now been replaced with the surprising revelation that the mouth behind the love bites was Tottenham Hotspur's manager Harry Redknapp.

Several reporters suspected Harry of being the vampire when they realised that the position at the front of David Beckham's neck where the marks had been inflicted to be exactly the same height as Harry Redknapp's mouth.

Following Saturday's 1-1 away draw at Newcastle the press cornered Redknapp to ask him to respond to the rumour going around that he was responsible. He realised there was no point in keeping quiet about it any longer.

"Okay, okay," he said. Then lifting both arms up admitted, "The game's up. I admit it. It was me. But let me explain 'ow it was. There'd been such a build up of pressure. Would David be signing for us - or wouldn't he. Try to understand the sheer relief I felt when he came up to me, 'eld 'is 'and out t'me nd promised wiv the offer ov a gentlemanly shake of the 'and that he'd be playin' f the spurs. That means ev'ryfink to people rand 'ere.

"Well, I waz choked up like a goodun'. It just all came out. All the relief, see? So's next thing I knows is there I am like some luvsick ninny grabbin' David rand 'is neck and plantin' all those luv bites 'nd kisses on 'is bleedin' neck. Wat a pillock! I 'old me 'ands up to it.

"Vicky's got nuffingk to worry about. We're both 'appily married men for gawd's sake. I've spoken to 'er over the phone an' assured 'er there's nuffingk goin' on between me 'nd Mr Beckham. Mind you she did say she thought I should be wearin' a muzzle next time I'm in the same room as 'er David. I told 'er it won't 'appen again. "

Victoria has chosen to accept Mr Redknapp's apology in good spirits for now given Harry's promise that there'll be no repeat of it.

Of greater concern to spurs fans is that several members of the team are unhappy that their manager has been demonstrating such love and adoration to one footballer and not displaying anything like that level of appreciation to them for their own abilities and efforts. They say it's favouritism. They do have a point. Nobody likes to see favouritism. It can upset the whole squad.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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