Written by Timothy Sexton
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Sunday, 4 September 2005

image for Tiger Woods Legally Changes Name to Buick Mastercard
No longer Tiger Woods, meet Buick Mastercard.

In a move that has stunned both the sports world and the advertising world, Tiger Woods announced that he is legally changing his name to Buick Mastercard. This surprise move makes Woods the first celebrity to join the growing ranks of average people who have decided to trade their identity in exchange for a lucrative contract branding them as a product. However, even Woods admits that this step is more extreme than merely tattooing the name of a casino on your one's back.

"Sure, this is a pretty big deal, but, you know, money is money and even if I win all four majors in a year that's only what, a few million dollars? Besides, let's face it guys, I already had a name that sounded more like a makeout place for teenagers than a professional athlete," Woods (Mastercard) told reporters at a lavish party to announce the name change.

How are fans responding to the news? One young fan had this to say after hearing the news. "Every time you see a Nascar driver he's covered all over with advertising and holding a Coke or Pepsi in his hand. Most of the time you can't tell the difference between one driver and another. Buick will always be Tiger, no matter what calls himself."

Scott Jeffers, head of the anti-consumer group The Anti-Consumer Group, might be expected to protest that viewpoint, but rather surprisingly seems to support Woods' decision. "He's been less a human being than a product ever since his father glued a golf club to his palm when he was a toddler. I supposed this is just his dehumanization process coming full circle."

Woods (Mastercard) has a different take on the subject. "Look, this is good for golf and my fans. Now I can play in tournaments sponsored by Visa, American Express and companies that actually make good cars. Buick Mastercard will be everywhere he wants to be."

Following Woods' announcement, several rumors immediately surfaced on the internet that other golfers would follow suit. Among the rumors that have been officially confirmed as untrue are that Jack Nicklaus will change his name to Hypocrite Cartrider, that Phil Mickelson will change his name to Happy Alsoran. As of yet, there has been neither confirmation nor denial from Vijay Singh that he will change his name to Afraidto Playwithgirls.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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