Written by wadenelson
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Topics: Death, Prison

Friday, 19 August 2005

El Dorado Correctional Facility -- Dennis Rader, a.k.a. "The BTK Killer" today announced a line of fitness videos intended to develop hand and wrist strength. Said Rader, from his prison cell, "Choking a person to death requires a lot more grip strength than most people realize. The exercises on my 90 minute video will help you develop the power you need to choke the living shit out of your wife, your boss, anyone who's giving you a hard time.

Rader, who had little to choke besides his chicken his first week at El Dorado said "I've only been in here a week and already it feels like a lifetime. Fortunately, that means I only have nine to go. Now released to the general prison population, Rader reports, "They have a terrific gym here. When guys saw me lifting an Olympic plate (45#) with a two fingers, I got nothing but respect. Just the other day guess who was spotting me - nobody but Mike Tyson himself."

With a Sony videocamera and a tripod, Rader has kept himself busy filming himself and other prison strongmen using the equipment available. Said Rader, "Trying to work in a scene on a bench press here, well, the line's about a mile long. So I curl lunch trays, stacks of liscense plates, that kind of thing. The punk here, he videotapes it all, and at night, after lockdown, we edit"

Rader reportedly has already had one altercation with a fellow prisoner, who announced his intention to make Rader his "b---h." "The poor fellow said "Sure" when I offered him a neck massage after being forced to give him head. He's all choked up about it, now." The Aryan brotherhood reportedly offered Rader a "full ride scholarship" to join their exclusive fraternity after watching the other inmate go from wearing a size 17-36 shirt to a size 8-44 while in Rader's grasp.

Released exclusively to The Shopping Channel, the BTK Workout contains exercises designed to improve grip strength, finger dexterity, tips on how to avoid bites, and endurance exercises. "You wouldn't believe how long some people can hold their breath" said Rader. I was worn out long before they turned blue." Endorsed by Albert deSalvo, the "Boston Strangler," the video is reportedly outselling classics
including the Jane Fonda workout.

Looking forward to "three hots and a cot" at El Dorado for his next 9 lifetimes, Rader said he had no remorse for his victims. "I went to church, and the Bible says if forgive others their sins, ours will be forgiven too. Thats how I sleep at night. When a guy tried to shiv me the other day, I just let my fingers do the talking. As the guards breathlessly hauled "Pencil-neck" off to the infirmary, I told him, "Hey, no hard feelings!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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