Written by mikewadestr
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Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Redskins' owner Daniel Snyder has reportedly gained over 400 pounds since he first purchased the Redskins organization in 1999, by eating the remainder of contracts of players and coaches that he has fired throughout his tenure as owner. Snyder's obesity has become so bad that he can no longer leave his bed and has had to hire a personal assistant to take care of all of his needs, as well as be his spokesman.

"You got to think about it for a minute", said Ed KickMe who is Daniel Snyder's personal assistant and spokesman. "Since owning the Redskins, His Majesty, the Boy King, has gone through 12 coaches and various player personnel in which he has terminated their contracts early, which caused him to get stuck eating the remainder of their contracts".

"His Majesty, first fell in love with the taste of 'remaining contract' when he fired his first head coach, Norv Turner, before Snyder's second season as owner was over. There were three games remaining at a point in the season when the Redskins still had a shot at the playoffs. Afterwards, His Majesty said that he was glad to not go to the playoffs due to the taste of the 'remaining contract' which His Majesty described as tasting a whole lot like chicken, just a little bit better. It is a good thing that His Majesty loves to eat chicken".

"His taste for 'remaining contract' simply got a hold of him which caused him to give out lucrative contracts to coaches so that he could fire them before their contracts were over", continued KickMe. "To ensure that the coach would not be successful, His Majesty, made it a point to sign players that were either no good or past their prime at ridiculous salaries".

"His Majesty, is pretty upset that coach Mike Shanahan suspended Albert Hayneworth for the final four games of the regular season without pay. That means that, as of now, His Majesty will not be able to eat the 'remaining contract' of Albert Haynesworth who plans to appeal. You can bet that His Majesty is certainly eyeing the remaining 6 years of Mike Shanahan's 7 year contract.

Everyone can rest assured that Daniel Snyder will be Albert Haynesworth's biggest fan to win his appeal, which occurs sometime after the end of the season.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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