Argentina and Barcelona forward Lionel Messi has won the inaugural FIFA Ballon d'Or award at a ceremony in Zurich.
Messi, 23, won the prize - a beautiful hardwood door designed by French interior designer Luc Ballon - ahead of his Barca team-mates Andres Iniesta and Xavi.
"I'm surprised to win but pleased to be here with my friends," lied Messi, who is easily the best footballer in the world.
He added: "To win it makes it even more special. I want to share it with all of my friends, my family, all the Barcelonistas and the Argentinians, so I hope it is the kind of door that can be moved about from house to house without damaging the hinges."
Jose Mourinho, who won an unprecedented Treble with Inter Milan in 2010, won the award for the Coach of the Year for the luxurious team coach that takes the team to away games. It includes a love den where the moody Portuguese Lothario bangs female hanger-on supporters to within an inch of their lives, and a swimming pool. There is also a shopping complex, two restaurants and a hotel with car park, as well as sumptuous hanging gardens and a VD clinic.
What the fuck am I on about? Please help.