Efforts to stave off relegation from the Premiership have led David's Sullivan and Gold, the Hammers owners, to take dramatic action.
'We cannot allow this great team to be relegated' David told supporters in a local pub, too drunk to understand a word he said 'You can't drown your sorrows by drinking yourselves sily. You must get behind the team.'
To attract new blood to the team in the transfer window the other David is offering terms to several out of work footballers to see if they can kick the ball in the direction of opponents goals.
Manager Avram Grant is on his way out but currently cannot find the exit. 'After the Pompey Chimes and the West Ham Bubbles I'm ready for the Conference' he admitted. The only hope for me is a position as manager of Wimbledon AFC who show great keyness on gettin back in the league. They are a poetic club, quoting Milton on the internet.'
Several West Ham regulars are on the look out for transfers so they can stay in the Premiership.
The 'Trevor Brooking for Manager Movement' is gaining strength. To date he is West Ham's best ever manager and his return to the Manager's role would be very popular.