Written by Boomer Sed
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Monday, 3 January 2011

Unsubstantiated reports have insinuated that sources close to, or in the same area code as, the New England Patriots' Bill Belichick have it on "good authority" that the two-time NFL Coach of the Year and three-time Super Bowl winner has been contacted by someone who may or may not be affiliated with the University of Texas.

According to these "reports," Belichick may have accepted an offer to listen to, or watch a really neat PowerPoint presentation from, the University of Texas about the possibility of the Patriot's Head Coach joining the Longhorn staff next season or at some undetermined point in the future.

Those close to or aware of Belichick allude to the possibility that he may be considering leaving the Patriots midseason to take an undetermined position at the University of Texas.
Speculation on what this may mean is rampant, but an unidentified source claims one scenario would have Belichick heading to Austin as the Longhorn's new Head -Coach-in -Waiting.

Other possibilities that may be just as likely are that he will go to Texas as the new Athletic-Director-in-Waiting, he may accept an offer to become an Associate Professor of French Literature or he could become the new trainer for BEVO, the Longhorn's mascot.

When tracked down and asked to give a statement about this wild conjecture, Bill Belichick told this reporter, "Get the h#!! out of my bathroom before I call the cops, you freakin' psycho!"

This cryptic statement did little to quell speculation as the coach refused to deny the rumors.

According to these same sources, when contacted about this developing situation, Current Longhorn's Head Coach Mack Brown was quoted as saying, "You can't trust the sources. You can't trust this writer when he makes things up as he goes."

Longhorn boosters have been ecstatic over this news, even going so far as to rent small planes towing banners to fly over Belichick's home in Boston and the Patriot's Foxboro Stadium. These unverified rumors claim the banners being flown say, "Don't Mess With Texas," and, "45-35."

Another plane was spotted in the same area with a banner that read "Mack Brown means Giant Turd," but it is not believed that this was rented by anyone affiliated with, close to or a fan of the University of Texas.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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