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Wednesday, 29 December 2010

image for Brett Favre Fined $25,000 Per Inch

Brett Favre's little game of "say hello to my little friend", via inappropriate messages and lewd photos texted to former New York Jets game-day hostess Jenn Sterger, has cost him $50,000, or $25,000 per inch.


Ran out of dick jokes early, I see...

...Yeah. Loved the '$25,000 Per Inch' premise. Just couldn't craft anything truly funny around it. Sorry.

"It is important to note that the fine was levied against Favre for not cooperating with the league's investigation," said the NFL's douchey commissioner Roger Goodell, who famously fined Cleveland Browns receiver Donte Stallworth $0.00 for killing 59-year-old construction worker Mario Reyes with his Bentley.

The league said Commissioner Roger Goodell "could not conclude" that Favre violated the league's personal conduct policy based on the evidence currently available to him.

"The forensic analysis established that Favre did indeed send the objectionable photographs to Sterger," the statement said. "The review found no evidence to contradict the statements of both Favre and Sterger that they never met in person, nor was there anything to suggest that Sterger engaged in any inappropriate conduct."

"Further, the penis shown in the objectionable photo seems to belong to a premature infant. There exists reasonable doubt that a NFL quarterback would be sporting a dong the size of a cocktail frank in his jockstrap."

The NFL also reviewed media reports that Favre pursued two massage therapists who worked at the Jets' facility in 2008, when Favre played for the team. But the league said that claim could not be substantiated because people with "potentially relevant information" declined to be interviewed or cooperate with investigators, all after receiving large cash payments in plain brown envelopes with "#4" written on the front.

"We were aware of the allegations that Brett is reported to have mentioned a 'groin pull' to the masseuses, but that is a documented injury," said the league.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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